Saturday, 18 February 2012

Emma's Guide to One Night Stands

Yes I am well aware that this isn’t LYYB’s usual high brow type article, but I do know LYYB loves controversy and more than anything the truth.

I wouldn’t be the rude one if I didn’t spill the beans on some inappropriate slightly uncomfortable subject matter. 

I know for a fact the majority of people I am companions with have engaged in at the very least one of these one night only stands as they are so aptly named, for those of you in denial about what one night stands consist of, it’s no strings sex normally with a complete stranger although it doesn’t have to be, sometimes it’s a mutual need for some pleasure that means you fornicate with another for that simple purpose, basically you shag once and go your separate ways.

The key is in the title ladies and gents, one night, if you sleep with someone more than once you did not have a one night stand nor did you have a few one night stands that simply doesn’t make grammatical sense, you are into a completely different kettle of fish.

I am talking about the one nighters that remain a pleasant or in the case of a few not so pleasant memory. I am not professing to be the ‘One Night Stand’ guru by any means, but recently I’ve heard more horror stories than enjoyment tales.

Being the observant creature I am I have compiled a simple list of do’s and do not’s for those of you who are entitled to your one nighters hassle and horror story free. This is purely for education purposes, I am not about to teach you how to get one nighters or am I saying that one night stands should be your main objectives, but they happen, so deal with it.


Gentlemen condoms please, since when was is it OK for you to stop carrying condoms, my lady pals tell me you’ve stopped carrying, we’re not going to let you stick that in us without them. You have a wallet don’t you, just put one in there, come on at least one. It doesn’t make you look presumptuous. 

Ladies condoms please, just because I’ve said that you should have them too. Enough said.

Enjoy, stop worrying about your flabby bits, size of things and what pants you’ve got on, if you didn’t want to sleep with each other you wouldn’t be there.

Tell someone where you’re going, matter of principle really, especially if this is one of those random stranger one nighters.

Make sure that both parties accept what is happening, not just consensual sex, I mean make sure they are aware this is no strings. This will only land you in hot water if you don’t say so. 

Ask questions, this is one night, you want to enjoy it so do make the effort to find out what the other person likes.

Be generous... this isn’t all about you, there is someone else in the room too, make sure they get the most out of this to. You all know what I mean. 

Do Not’s

Be too intoxicated, confessions aside we all know one nighters usually occur when drunk, if you’re that drunk you should go to your bed alone, not to anyone else’s. 

Inflict extreme fetishes upon your partner unless you have previously stated such. No one wants an out of the blue smack in the face if you haven’t said you like it rough first.

Have un-protected sex under any circumstances, you’re old enough to have sex? Then put something on it. 

Make this out to be something it isn’t, if you like one another outside of the one nighter then make sure you’re being honest, if you aren’t interested in the nicest way let the other person know, DO NOT pretend otherwise. 

Be ashamed of yourself, it happens to the best of us I bet the Queen has had one... at least one.

Be rude about it, if this happens with someone you know, for example in your friendship group, keep it low key. No one likes having their dirty laundry aired. 

Be callous... there is no need to get up and walk away once the deed is done, you’ve both agreed it’s one night only, enjoy each other’s company or have some more hanky panky. What? You’re already naked and there. 

Fake it, what is the point? It’s one night, surely better to say it’s not happening or try something else.

So LYYB and I say have sex, be merry but be sensible. Oh how boring you cry. Let’s have no more shocking one night stand stories then.

Emma x

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