Body Image and Sex

Becoming a woman is a bit like becoming celebrity, only more traumatic. This is either a fairly agreeable, or vastly unpleasant experience depending on what you look like and how popular you are. You go from being an uninteresting skinny child, more or less left to your own devices, to suddenly being incredibly fascinating to everyone the moment your breasts and hips start to appear.


Three months ago you were just a kid, blissfully unaware of the storm awaiting you with the onset of puberty. Nobody cared if you had hairy legs or short fingernails, chubby ankles or even if you were a girl or not, but now all of a sudden everyone has an opinion on you. From your split ends to your unpainted toenails and everything in between, suddenly everyone you know (and plenty of people you don’t) wants to tell you exactly what’s wrong with you. Magazines are full of pictures and articles and adverts of how you should look, your mother is tutting at your stretch marks, your aunts tell you how easy it will be for you to give birth with those hips, boys at school shout obscenities about your vagina across the playground. It’s all very stressful.


Then there are the body changes. Boys – a bit of extra hair and a deeper voice do not a dramatic pubescent transformation make. Try growing a pair of boobs (it hurts) and going home from school one day to discover your pants are full of blood (yeah, that hurts too). I think it took me about ten years to get used to the shock of getting an unrecognisably new body in the space of about three months. Granted, the transformation isn’t as a dramatic or fast for many girls. I was envious of my peers’ girlish bodies with their tiny pert breasts and slender hips, but perhaps they were jealous of mine too. I couldn’t do the things I used to do, like climb trees and dance and run about, without my new body getting in the way. It was like it had betrayed me.


It is against a background of all this drama and bleeding and trauma and pressure and tits and image and advertising and probably some awkward lights-out fumbling teenage sex that we emerge into our twenties. It is unsurprising then, that girls carry some insecurity into our relationships, specifically surrounding our bodies and exposing them to the critical eyes of others. I’m certainly not saying that guys don’t have insecurities too, but there isn’t quite that same intense pressure that we are under, to be perfect. Once the clothes come off and presumably there’s been some snogging, so many of us have this nagging feeling that we aren’t up to scratch. That scar, that spot, that stretch mark, that bit that wobbles a bit too much, that bit that doesn’t wobble enough…it’s a minefield.


And it can stop us from actually enjoying the experience - inhibition about our bodies gets in the way of good sex. Don’t you wish you could just laugh about the whole thing, not care anymore? Not that it isn’t easier said than done, it took me years to get over feeling inhibited and self-conscious about some aspects of my body. I’m certainly not all there yet either. But I’ve learned a valuable lesson along the way too, in that how you feel about yourself is what others see. People pick up on our carefully hidden insecurities.


Once you get over worrying about your flaws, you’ll realise no-one else really cares about them either. I once asked a male friend about whether guys are actually bothered about a bit of extra wobble, prominent ribs or boobs that are slightly different sizes whilst in the throes of passion – he said this: Woman, we’re so stoked to be having sex with you at all, we couldn’t care less or even notice. All we’re thinking is – this girl wants to have sex with me, she has tits and a fanny – awesome.


Not delicately put, but you get the idea.


Alice.


Twitter: @lucyetlapin
URL:   http://aliceetlapin.blogspot.com

What would you tell your 16 year old self? - Body Issues

My first challenge of 2012 was to read more. I didn’t want to read a gushy novel that ended happily ever after, I wanted a book that would educate me. After trawling the book shelves of a well-known book store, I came across a paperback lodged in with the diet books. The book was called ‘Living Dolls The Return of sexism’ by Natalie Walters. I know people say ‘never judge a book by its cover’ but this cover just appealed to me, It was clever, naughty and bold all at the same time.  As I began to read this book  alarm bells rang ‘This is a feminist book…’ but I couldn’t put it down.  It intrigued me how the author was entwining so many powerful subjects all into one little book.  Gender discrimination, the glamorisation of the sex industry, sexual abuse, prostitution, sexualisation of young women and pornography are only a handful of the subjects the author Walters touches upon. The book was so enlightening, detailed and truthful.

One subject discussed and seemed to crop up a lot throughout the book was how ‘…artificial images of feminine beauty are held up as the ideal to which women should aspire’ pg 3  as a body conscious girl this subject really stood out to me.  We see it every day in today’s culture young girls and women aiming to be like their celebrity ‘role-models’.  The thing that shocked me the most was Walter describing how these fascinations of ‘aspiring’ to be like an artificial representation of femininity start at a young age. Starting with their Barbie dolls to the female heroines of the silver screen.  I nearly spluttered my tea when it went on to talk about the ‘sexualisation of Disney Princesses’ and how our little girls are being made to look ‘sexy’( but that topic can be for another day). 

It made me realise most of us from a young age are tied into an over vigilant regime of dieting and grooming to fit in with these ‘artificial role models’. But why?  We should be concentrating on more important things with our bodies and getting to ‘know them’ not plaster them in fake tan, hair extensions and cosmetic surgery and create this ‘plastic disguises’ to ‘fit in’. Girls (and guys) , can you honestly hold up your hand and say you know your own body? Do you know every lump and bump?

Just recently a colleague of mine has just been diagnosed with melanoma and she has created a blog to share with others about her battle ( click here to visit her blog http://www.lynnmasson.blogspot.co.uk/ ). While reading Lynns inspiring blog I came across a video that’s called ‘Dear 16 year old me’ It is a moving video to help teenagers become aware of skin cancer and how to potentially avoid it.

You might think I am going off on a tangent first talking about my book about feminism and now talking about skin cancer but bare with me. Combining Walters ideas of women starting at a young age ‘aspiring’ to be like artificial representations of femininity and this video on Lynns blog brings home a sense of realisation. We shouldn't focus on these artificial images of beauty like celebrities/glamour models because there's more important body related issues to educated ourselves with. We should concentrate on our 'natural' body, get to know it, not 'conform' our bodies to look just like these 'fake' representations. Young girls and guys should be encouraged to know their bodies, celebrate them and not plaster and hide them in cosmetics. If I was to tell my 16 year old self something I would say 'Don't be upset that you don't look like the skinny girls in the magazines, your body is beautiful, look after it. There are much worse things in life than worrying about your body hang ups. If your that worried talk and ask questions about them, don't cover it up and pretend its all fine. xx PS Use liquid eyeliner... it lasts longer'


So that's it... from a new years resolution developing into a reality check I have come to the conclusion that we should 'get to know' our bodies, give them regular checks, ignore the airbrushed size 0's in the media and celebrate our natural bodies because at the end of the day you only get one.  

Food for thought... what would you tell your 16 year old self??