Emma's Guide to One Night Stands

Yes I am well aware that this isn’t LYYB’s usual high brow type article, but I do know LYYB loves controversy and more than anything the truth.

I wouldn’t be the rude one if I didn’t spill the beans on some inappropriate slightly uncomfortable subject matter. 

I know for a fact the majority of people I am companions with have engaged in at the very least one of these one night only stands as they are so aptly named, for those of you in denial about what one night stands consist of, it’s no strings sex normally with a complete stranger although it doesn’t have to be, sometimes it’s a mutual need for some pleasure that means you fornicate with another for that simple purpose, basically you shag once and go your separate ways.

The key is in the title ladies and gents, one night, if you sleep with someone more than once you did not have a one night stand nor did you have a few one night stands that simply doesn’t make grammatical sense, you are into a completely different kettle of fish.

I am talking about the one nighters that remain a pleasant or in the case of a few not so pleasant memory. I am not professing to be the ‘One Night Stand’ guru by any means, but recently I’ve heard more horror stories than enjoyment tales.

Being the observant creature I am I have compiled a simple list of do’s and do not’s for those of you who are entitled to your one nighters hassle and horror story free. This is purely for education purposes, I am not about to teach you how to get one nighters or am I saying that one night stands should be your main objectives, but they happen, so deal with it.

Do’s

Gentlemen condoms please, since when was is it OK for you to stop carrying condoms, my lady pals tell me you’ve stopped carrying, we’re not going to let you stick that in us without them. You have a wallet don’t you, just put one in there, come on at least one. It doesn’t make you look presumptuous. 

Ladies condoms please, just because I’ve said that you should have them too. Enough said.

Enjoy, stop worrying about your flabby bits, size of things and what pants you’ve got on, if you didn’t want to sleep with each other you wouldn’t be there.

Tell someone where you’re going, matter of principle really, especially if this is one of those random stranger one nighters.

Make sure that both parties accept what is happening, not just consensual sex, I mean make sure they are aware this is no strings. This will only land you in hot water if you don’t say so. 

Ask questions, this is one night, you want to enjoy it so do make the effort to find out what the other person likes.

Be generous... this isn’t all about you, there is someone else in the room too, make sure they get the most out of this to. You all know what I mean. 

Do Not’s

Be too intoxicated, confessions aside we all know one nighters usually occur when drunk, if you’re that drunk you should go to your bed alone, not to anyone else’s. 

Inflict extreme fetishes upon your partner unless you have previously stated such. No one wants an out of the blue smack in the face if you haven’t said you like it rough first.

Have un-protected sex under any circumstances, you’re old enough to have sex? Then put something on it. 

Make this out to be something it isn’t, if you like one another outside of the one nighter then make sure you’re being honest, if you aren’t interested in the nicest way let the other person know, DO NOT pretend otherwise. 

Be ashamed of yourself, it happens to the best of us I bet the Queen has had one... at least one.

Be rude about it, if this happens with someone you know, for example in your friendship group, keep it low key. No one likes having their dirty laundry aired. 

Be callous... there is no need to get up and walk away once the deed is done, you’ve both agreed it’s one night only, enjoy each other’s company or have some more hanky panky. What? You’re already naked and there. 

Fake it, what is the point? It’s one night, surely better to say it’s not happening or try something else.

So LYYB and I say have sex, be merry but be sensible. Oh how boring you cry. Let’s have no more shocking one night stand stories then.

Emma x

Ask a Chap- January

At LYYB the ladies of the business are always pontificating the behavioural traits of the gentlemen they encounter. We decided we’d had enough of their constant and frustrated pondering so LYYB is putting these ever so complex questions to four men a month in a bid to put our lady issues to rest.

'Being single is a constant battle for all parties involved, first dates are especially mind boggling, what are your do’s and don’ts for that ever so awkward occasion? How do you think us ladies should appear? Dressed up? Should we kiss you? Is it wrong to sleep with someone on the first date? Basically gents round up your first date etiquette for us'

Chris, 24
First dates: its definitely wrong to sleep or try to sleep with someone on the first date it comes across creepy and could ruin any chance of things working out! I think walk them home or pay for the taxi and a kiss before you leave each other is the best way to end it, if you still like each other after the first date then a kiss will keep each party wanting more (providing you don't get slobbered on)  Rule 1 is the bloke should always pay for the whole first date, don't be afraid to open up and be honest about things it keeps conversation going and let's her know more about you, obviously you don't want to go to far but If she still doesn't think your insane afterwards then a second date hopefully will be on the cards. Ask plenty of questions, this should come naturally as nervous as you might be after all you should be interested in her if your on a date together. Don't try to be funny it just makes you look stupid normally the harder you try the less funny you are, you’re either funny or you’re not never try to be something you’re not! Big rule is never lie about stuff if you end up together then they will find out the truth! remember you are both gonna be nervous so stay calm don't over think things and just be yourself (as cheesy as that sounds)

Dustin Hutton, 29, New York
For Guys--
Do: open doors, pull out chairs, be polite, not just to your date but to everyone you come into contact with whilst in your date's company, ask open ended questions and actually listen to the answer (it makes a difference)
For Ladies--
Do: Dress in whatever fashion makes you feel the most comfortable but wear nice perfume (dudes are suckers for nice smells), kiss but don't sleep with on first date (any girl I've ever slept with on a first date has never lasted long), when the bill comes let us pay but at the very least put up a little fight (it makes us feel like men)

Adam, 25
Please let us know beforehand of any dietary needs you have. There is nothing worse than booking the best table at a nice restaurant only to discover you hate everything on the menu. Make an effort with clothes and appearance, but don’t fret about it too much.
A kiss on the cheek is the acceptable greeting for both parties.
Feel free to talk about anything that interests you. If you find we’re being a little quiet, don’t back off; engage with us. Besides that, we like to listen. However….
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TALK ABOUT YOUR EX.
If you want dessert, have dessert.
Sex on a first date should be regarded as a possibility. Make it clear to us if that that is the direction you want the evening to be heading. Carry condoms. We will think you are responsible, not a slut. Sorry to say, but we may forget them ourselves.
Whatever happens, enjoy yourself. It is meant to be fun after all.

                        

Paul, 26

For me first dates are all about looking for that spark and discovering whether the girl is on the same wavelength as me, and as such etiquette comes second to this. First impressions and looks aren't everything but of course I'm not naive enough to think that they don't hold weight. For example if I arrange to meet a girl in my local pub and she rocks up looking like something from TOWIE then I'm going to be understandably apprehensive. Similarly if we're meeting in a cocktail bar and she turns up in jeans and a hoodie I'm not going to be impressed, so with regards to dress-code common sense should prevail on both sides. I'll freely admit I'm old fashioned when it comes to these things, sex on a first date isn't a no-no but there has to be some serious chemistry for me to consider it. Too many people rush into it, for me the anticipation makes it all the sweeter when you do eventually get to the bedroom. As for kissing I think again that largely depends on the chemistry. If I think the date's gone well and I'm getting the right signals then of course I'll make a move and would welcome it if she did the same, otherwise if she gives me a peck on the cheek at the end of the night then I'm not going to be disappointed, it is only the first date after all.

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